


This Is How We End

by TeamAlphaQ, Tousled_Sky



Category: Durarara!!
Genre: Angst, Helpful Vorona, M/M, Misunderstandings, SO MUCH ANGST I'M SORRY, Shizuo getting angry and saying things he doesn't mean, Tearful Izaya, fluff...?, indifference
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-23
Updated: 2017-07-23
Packaged: 2018-12-05 05:07:06
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,433
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11570946
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TeamAlphaQ/pseuds/TeamAlphaQ, https://archiveofourown.org/users/Tousled_Sky/pseuds/Tousled_Sky
Summary: Izaya would have had a fancy explanation for it, complete with big words and needlessly complicated descriptions. Shizuo doesn’t have that. He just has a word. Tired. That’s what he calls the feeling because that’s what it is. Everything just in one word, because it conveys exactly what he wants it to.This is how the world ends, not with a bang, but a whimper.





	This Is How We End

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Tousled_Sky](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Tousled_Sky/gifts).



> Q: AHHHHHH!!!!!! Oh my god, this took far longer than it should have. 
> 
> Just to get it out of the way, this is a sequel to Tousled_Sky's story Unrequited. If you're reading this and you _haven't_ read their story then STOP!! Trust me, this won't make much sense without reading that one first.
> 
> She has granted me the honor of writing this story to be a follow up to hers. It's undeniably fluffy-ish. Though it won't be nearly as good as her story, I do hope you will enjoy~
> 
> Tousled_Sky: Just to be clear, TeamAlphaQ wrote this - I didn't! All credit goes to them! I so grateful that they wrote a sequel to one of my stories. And Q, you hush with all this "Though it won't be nearly as good as her story" nonsense - I adore your writing, love!
> 
> I've already read through this, and all I can say is I hope everyone enjoys this as much as I did!

Tom says it’s maturity. Vorona says it’s indifference.

Shizuo just says he’s tired. The fire in his eyes which used to burn with unfettered passion is little more than ash. Not maturity because he would still give chase if he could work up the energy. Not indifference because he still fucking cares about what the man does.

Just exhaustion, because he doesn’t want to fight anymore. He’s tired of the same new scars, the same dented pavement. He’s tired of the bullshit. Izaya’s and his own. He’s tired of the growls and the insults. More than anything though, he’s tired of the pain.

Night after night as he’s forced to mend another vest, open another box of shirts from his overly patient brother, Shizuo has to wonder why be bothers. It’s stupid, his logical side tells him, and he agrees wholeheartedly. Who in their right mind would chase someone with such single minded focus as Shizuo does to Izaya? He feels like his life is caught in a loop, a never ending cycle of destruction.

And always, Izaya’s smirking face.

He feels trapped and it takes too long for him to ask himself if there’s a way out.

Part of him says the fights point towards a bigger goal, that they’re simply a means to an end. Something else in him is forced to acknowledge that he’s forgotten the purpose entirely. He’s pretty sure it had something to do with driving Izaya out of Ikebukuro but he doesn’t really care anymore. It also had something to do with killing the man but Shizuo isn’t too keen on that idea either.

So what he’s left with is a rivalry he doesn’t want and the wish to get out of it.

Eventually, he stumbles across the words to describe what he’s looking for.

He wants Izaya to stop viewing him as a game. He wants to no longer be the first thing Izaya decides to mess with when he’s bored. And while Shizuo might claim he doesn’t care past that, what the blond really wants is for Izaya to see him as a human. Maybe more, but he focuses on this. To do it, he has to end the rivalry between them and to do that, he needs to end the game.

And that is the point where Shizuo throws his hands up and accepts that however he handles it, shit is going to turn out badly.

~•~

Izaya isn’t like most humans.

Shizuo recognizes that from the moment they meet but it takes him a while to put a name to it. There are so many facets to Izaya that it’s looking at a spectrum and picking out one particular color or listening to a concerto and picking out one single note. As if it weren’t already hard enough, Shizuo’s not a genius. He’s not _really_ an idiot but if the comparison is between him and Izaya, then he’s definitely lacking. Izaya’s just too complex.

And somehow, somewhere in that complexity is the thing that makes Izaya fundamentally different from everyone else around him. It’s deeper than his eccentricities, it’s deeper than the stupid fur coat and the narrowed red eyes. It’s so much more than what is immediately visible that eventually, anyone would throw their hands in the air and give up on finding an answer.

But Shizuo isn’t anyone and he’s had a lot of time to mull it over.

What he discovers is that while it’s hard to understand Izaya, it’s very easy to understand himself. From the interactions he has with the man, he can then start to understand why Izaya’s the terror he’s become.

It starts with the clear difference between Shizuo’s rage when the everyday person annoys him and the feeling that rises up when Izaya shows up. And it’s probably because where others stay away, Izaya draws closer to him like a moth to a flame. This is at the heart of their interactions, but it’s hardly the extent of it. There’s a chasm between Izaya and others and Shizuo’s hardly seen the first layer.

But he’s got a theory about it anyway. At least in the simple terms of how it relates to him.

To most people, Shizuo is _a_ monster.

To Izaya, Shizuo is _his_ monster.

From there, everything just sort of spirals.

~•~

The process towards change starts when Vorona says, “True hate is indifference. This, not hate. Is _obsession.”_

And finally, Shizuo can put a name to it. Why he chases Izaya when really, he should be ignoring the man. He’s obsessed with Izaya. The thought is mildly frightening, but more than that, it’s revealing.

Because it forces Shizuo to accept some not-necessarily-pretty truths about himself. The most obvious one is that, secretly, he loves having someone around who isn’t afraid of him and he’d do anything to keep that a constant. Once Shizuo realizes that, he knows what he has to let go of. He has to accept that Izaya won’t just vanish if he stops chasing him. That’s where they’re headed, an end to this infernal game, and that’s what he has to strive for, even if he’s not sure how to get them there. Shizuo has to end what they have in order to develop something new.

Which is a little daunting, but he’s sure he can do it.

Mostly.

~•~

It starts with letting go of his grudges.

Izaya’s done a lot of shit to him in the past, some of which still pisses Shizuo off. Actually, all of it angers him but he’s going to have to let that go as well at some point. So he focuses on all the things that he’s suffered at the hands of Izaya.

There’s a lot to think about, some of which makes him question whether or not he wants anything to do with Izaya after he ends things. _Because he’s going to damnit!_ He tells himself over and over again that he hates Izaya for what he’s done and yet, when Shizuo takes a step back and thinks about it, he realizes that this is all just Izaya’s idea of a game and getting pissed does nothing for either of them.

More than that though, he realizes that in some strange way, it’s Izaya’s idea of showing that Shizuo means something to him. It’s twisted, sure. He hates it clearly, but at the same time, he gets it. And by that same token he lets it all go.

One by one, Shizuo forgives Izaya for each of the things he’s done. From getting him almost thrown in jail to causing untold amounts of grief for him whenever he’s bored, to that first day they met. He lets it all go. Some are hard, some are deceptively easy.

And then there are those that he almost remembers fondly.

Clearly, however he’d decided that he hated Izaya, he’d been wrong. It was never hate at all. He knows that now, and it makes everything else look so petty in comparison.

~•~

The next thing that goes is his anger.

That one’s hard to give up. Because he still gets pissed so easily and Izaya still angers him but he realizes that he has to stop reacting. Izaya will only give up once Shizuo gives in. He doesn’t want to give in, they’re rivals after all, just _giving in_ isn’t an option but it has to be, otherwise, the cycle just repeats itself.

How though, that’s the question. Sometimes it feels like Shizuo’s just a naturally angry person and whenever he finds himself thinking things like this, it all looks hopeless. Deep down, he wants peace. If he focuses his attentions there, eventually something’s going to click.

Like everything else about this process, it takes time. Trial and error and mistake after mistake that just frustrates him further. Izaya just flips that switch in his mind and he loses it. Other people piss him off too but it’s something different for Izaya. Just like everything, Izaya is the outlier.

And yet somehow, in the interim of his failures, Shizuo stumbles upon a solution. While he’d spent his time looking for something that can get rid of his rage entirely, he’s been around the very thing that can take care of it each time it happens. It’s not perfect, but very few things are.

This solution comes in the shape of Vorona.

The Russian woman has always had a calming effect on Shizuo. Something about the blank state she’s able to project reminds him of his brother. When he’s angry, Shizuo’s mind gets crowded and there’s too much holding him in that mindset. Around Vorona, something he can’t gain traction on, Shizuo’s mind is able to clear.

And though it’s effective no matter what the reason behind Shizuo’s anger is, it proves to be at it’s most potent when it involves Izaya. Because the anger spawned by Izaya is irrational, Shizuo’s always thought it was impossible to let go of because there was nothing _to_ let go of, but that’s apparently not true.

Vorona has only ever drained the anger associated with any given situation but never the reasons behind it. With Izaya, Shizuo finds that without those grudges holding him down, there’s nothing left behind in the aftermath of the anger. He can still get annoyed with Izaya, but after coming to terms with _why_ Izaya’s doing what he’s doing, Vorona can take the fire out of Shizuo’s blood.

Once he realizes that he can approach the matter rationally, Shizuo starts to feel a little more hopeful about the situation in general. Maybe he actually can pull this off.

~•~

“I’m going to stop fighting Izaya,” Shizuo tells Tom and Vorona one morning, seemingly out of nowhere. Though he’s still rolling his cigarette between his fingers absently, the blond is only too aware of how important this is. He needs someone to understand and tell him he’s not crazy, otherwise, he has no chance.

Tom thinks he’s crazy, says as much very clearly. Shizuo knows why Tom doesn’t believe him, but it still knocks his resolve askew. Maybe he is insane for thinking Izaya and him didn’t have to fight anymore.

But Vorona nods. “Very good. I stand with Shizuo-senpai. No benefits reaped by fighting Orihara day in, day out.” Shizuo relaxes at that because he trusts her judgment. If Vorona agrees it’s a good idea then there’s a chance he’s not losing it.

Finally, Tom nods as well. “I- I mean yeah, that would be the mature thing to do but do you really think you can manage that Shizuo?”

Shaking her head, Vorona interjects, “No, not maturity. Indifference. Shizuo-senpai is understanding true hatred.”

At that, Shizuo sighs. “You’re missing the point. I’m just tired of fighting him all the time.” As both Tom and Vorona fall silent, Shizuo shrugs. “I want something else.”

They both want to know what. Make that three because Shizuo doesn’t actually know himself. Izaya’s not his enemy, even if Shizuo gets pissed at him. Izaya’s not his enemy, even though they’ve fought for years.

Izaya is Izaya. Shizuo still doesn’t quite know what that means but he’s tired of being Izaya’s _monster._ He’d rather be Izaya’s _Shizuo._

Or Shizu-chan, because that’s one thing Shizuo doesn’t really want Izaya to drop.

~•~

Shizuo tells himself that he’s going to end it next time he sees Izaya and repeats it until he forces it to be true, despite anything else. This way, he figures, he won’t be able to get out of it.

In retrospect, perhaps not the best idea.

~•~

The next time Shizuo sees Izaya, it’s all wrong and yet it’s inevitable. Like a pilotless plane crashing through the air, spiraling out of control, there’s no such thing as damage control. There’s only the aftermath.

It’s the wrong day for this to happen for any number of reasons. Shizuo’s already pissed, angry for reasons that can’t be soothed. Everything’s just boiling under the surface, waiting for a place to escape.

Worse, it’s not just anger, it’s destructive anger. The kind that _wants_ to hurt and tear and rend. All of the things that Shizuo wants to stop doing is what he’s feeling right now and every bit of it is contained within his mind, without pressure valve or chance of controlled escape. The only way out is an explosion.

You’d think this would result in a normal, angry outpouring of rage but it doesn’t, it just keeps building. Vorona keeps trying to calm him but all it does is put a lid on Shizuo’s anger. He can’t let it go and he can’t let it out so it just festers.

And then Izaya shows up and starts with his usual games and there’s no way for this to not end badly.

Because Shizuo’s mind instantly jumps to the fact that he’s not supposed to explode at Izaya and he’s got Vorona there, taking away any chance for some of his old irrationality to spark something. So all he’s left with is this flatness that’s made entirely of the vindictive anger that’s been building up for the whole day and it’s only a matter of time before it comes pouring out.

Part of him knows this, part of him knows he’s going to screw things up but all he’s got is this voice in his head telling him to end things. How that goal comes to fruition no longer seems to matter.

And all the while, Izaya keeps poking at all those chinks in his armor he knows so well.

It’s the pilot and copilot jumping from the plane. It’s the passengers all going to sleep. It’s something insidious taking control and pointing the plane straight at where the damage will be greatest.

It’s all just a bad situation.

~•~

_This is the way the world ends. Not with a bang, but a whimper._

~•~

“Aww, not getting angry tonight, Shizu-chan? How mature of you!”

It’s Izaya, in the end, that finally lets out the cold, flat anger that Shizuo’s been holding back all night.

“What’s wrong?”

He doesn’t even know he’s doing it, Shizuo can’t even begin to see it coming. He’s just so _angry_ and he can’t let it out and Izaya’s there and he just wants it to all be over.

“Can’t stand the idea of losing to me in a chase again?”

So he makes it over. And in that moment, he means it.

“More like I can’t stand the thought of you at all.” Shizuo doesn’t sound angry, not really. He just sounds flat, calm. And somehow he is, like all these individual pieces have reacted and everything’s been flash-frozen. All he wants to do is hurt someone and something inside of Shizuo, after all these years of not doing anything of the sort,  knows just which buttons to press to make Izaya bleed.

And in the end, it’s almost what he wanted to do because he’s ending it, just not in the way he’d intended.

“I’m not going to chase you anymore, Izaya.” There’s nothing there, not even an ounce of emotion for Izaya to gain traction on. It’s just Shizuo and the things he wanted to say mixed in with things he only wants to say in this particular moment. “I never want to see you again. Fuck off.”

If he’d been thinking clearly… but he isn’t. And everything in his tone says he means it because he _does._ But something in him pulls back, tries to stop the plane from crashing. Scrambles to the cockpit only to find the controls are frozen. All he can do is turn around and start to walk away.

With all of his usual emotions locked away as they are, it doesn’t even faze him. _It’s what I wanted, right? The end to all the fighting and the rivalry? This is an end._ Even though you’d think that Shizuo would come to and realize that he’s screwing everything up, he can’t. He’s so far removed from the reality he’s facing that it’s like watching it from the far side of the moon.

Worse, the emotion he can start to feel is satisfaction. Because it’s over. No matter what Izaya says, Shizuo’s done. He’s tired and currently, all he feels is a cold, spiteful anger that won’t let him take his words back. All he can do is keep walking.

But Izaya isn’t bound by the same curse so he calls out after Shizuo, a mocking jibe that draws out that cold fury like fire consuming oxygen. “How sad Shizu-chan! You know you’re a monster who would kill me, so you just avoid me. What a cowardly move.”

When he turns to face Izaya, he’s not even seeing the man. He’s just watching helplessly as the aircraft hurtles towards the ground.

“You’re the coward, Izaya.”

And he means it, whether he’d wanted to say it or not.

“You run from me, you run from your friends, you run from your problems.”

It’s all true. _I mean every word._ And it feels so _so_ good to say it.

“I’m not going to be a part of your life anymore.”

All the obsession, all the grudges, all the anger that’s been gripping him for the day and perhaps, when it comes to Izaya, for his entire life, just drains away.

With an air of finality, Shizuo softly says, “Goodbye.”

And it _is_ goodbye.

The plane crashes and for a moment Shizuo can see it in Izaya’s eyes, the pain that is so raw and so _satisfying_ to see it coming from the horrible demon that's only ever hurt others.

There isn’t a bang, there’s just a whimper as the curtain closes.

He turns then, this time actually leaving, walking past Vorona and Tom until they’re pushed to fall in behind him. Izaya just laughs and walks away.

Somehow, that single action that is so wholly like the Raven breaks whatever trance Shizuo had been in. As if seeing it through the smoke and ash of the devastation he’s just created, the blond stops in the middle of the sidewalk as what he’s just done hits him.

He hadn’t fixed anything, he hadn’t just disassembled their rivalry, Shizuo had completely and entirely destroyed Izaya. _And I liked it._ But he knows that was a mistake because when he reaches for the thing inside of him that wanted to see Izaya bleed, it’s gone and he all he has left is regret.

He’d wanted to end it and he has, but it’s all so _fucked._

As if sensing what he’s going through, Vorona’s hand touches his arm. “Shizuo-senpai, it’s _over.”_

And it is, but he didn’t want it to be like this.

~•~

It takes a week for him to work up the courage to admit that he needs to fix things. The situation bubbles in his gut before it becomes to much and he says as much to Tom and Vorona.

“I fucked it up,” he mutters.

Once again, it’s Vorona who gets it without Shizuo even having to give context.

_“Fix it.”_

~•~

That’s how he ends up outside of Izaya’s apartment building, a cigarette in his hand an a determination in his gut that isn’t going to go away. Shizuo has to make things right. It’s not easy and he knows just enough about Izaya to make it seem all the more impossible but he’s got an idea of how to do it.

It’s not much, but for what feels like the first time since it all began, Shizuo is _certain._

In the end, that’s better than all the fancy words in the world.

~•~

He sees the flash of black before Izaya sees him. But he’s ready this time, not like the first time they met and he instantly flew off the handle, this time, he’s going to do it right. In that moment, he realizes that he almost feels content.

Izaya’s eyes catch on him and the man stops suddenly, instantly frozen to the spot. He looks like he wants to say something, but he just stares and breathes shallowly. It’s tempting to open his mouth and initiate the conversation, but Shizuo holds his tongue, waits for Izaya to initiate dialogue.

And after what feels like forever, he does. “What are you doing here? You said you never wanted to see me again.” The words are oddly forced, like they’re painful. Izaya’s mask is good, but it’s not as flawless as he pretends it is.

There’s hurt there. Resentment. It’s the most honest Izaya’s ever been before and the blond clings to it.

Calmly, Shizuo lowers his cigarette from his mouth. “I needed to get your attention,” is his simple reply. Izaya doesn’t need to know that he misspoke, it’s the intentions that are important in the long run anyway.

“You meant it,” Izaya bites back, his brow creasing in anger, blame.

“Probably,” Shizuo agrees, thinking back on the moment and remembering his own finality. Yeah, he had meant it, but not as it had come out. If he himself knew what he had meant, he would have told Izaya, but Shizuo doesn’t know, so he waits for Izaya’s next accusation in silence.

“You called me a coward.” Here, Shizuo can see clearly why Izaya didn’t like his words. Izaya never did enjoy the truth.

But someone has to tell it. “You are.” He takes a drag from his cigarette, keeps his eyes locked on Izaya, even though the Raven can’t seem to keep his gaze.

“You-” Izaya’s crumbling before Shizuo but the man makes no move to comfort him, to lose patience. He just watches, eyes free of condemnation. “You said that you didn’t want to be a part of my life anymore.”

“Yeah,” Shizuo mutters, blowing out a stream of smoke. “I did.” If Izaya could read his thoughts~ But he can’t, and it means Shizuo can’t explain himself. Eventually, Izaya will get there on his own. Shizuo has to trust that he will.

Tone unsteady, Izaya blurts out, “You said goodbye.”

“It _was_ goodbye,” Shizuo tells him, finally pushing off the wall so he stands straight and tall before Izaya. It’s reminiscent of any number of fights but Shizuo’s over that. He’s finally turning the page on that decade of his life, he’s finally starting over.

Apparently, it’s too much for Izaya. “So what the _hell_ is this supposed to be?” Once upon a time, Shizuo might have interpreted that tone as anger, but now he knows better. It’s just desperation, it’s just a fragment of hope that Izaya’s ashamed to be still clinging to.

“It’s a fresh start.”

Izaya’s bottom lip trembles at those words, his eyes look almost glassy. Shizuo watches as he fights the statement internally, like he can’t just accept it. It’s so like Izaya that it provokes a smile.

_I’m tired of fighting, I’m tired of the hatred. I’m tired of pretending like there’s something there that isn’t._

_I’m tired of you faking it’s hate when it’s only ever been obsession._

_I’m tired, so I put the past behind me._

_Let’s not fight Izaya, let’s just try something new._

Taking a deep breath, Shizuo squares his shoulders before relaxing his stance and tempering his smile. This is it, and this time, he’s ready to do what he should have done years ago.

“Hey.”

The word only confuses Izaya, making the wobble in his lip worse.

“My name is Shizuo Heiwajima.”

It echoes the mantra he used to throw at Izaya to a T, just without the anger, without the irrationality. For some reason, Izaya shakes his head weakly like he’s protesting Shizuo and the emotions he’s making the Raven feel. At that moment, Shizuo sees the ghost of a child who never really learned how to grow up.

“I haven’t seen you around before.”

Izaya’s chest compresses even as Shizuo steps closer.

“What’s your name?”

Whatever’s left of Izaya’s mask cracks as small tears fall from his eyes and it’s a far cry from the hollow laughter Izaya had vanished with the last time they’d met. Shizuo drops his cigarette and crushes it with his shoe before stuffing his hands in his pockets. All the while, his eyes never leave Izaya.

“Y-you _stupid_ b-beast,” Izaya stutters, his breath coming in short painful gasps. His hands go to his face as he attempts to wipe away the tears there. It’s like watching a phoenix dying in a burst of sparks and flame as the proud shell of a man that Izaya’s always been breaks apart into dust. “Wh-what the hell d-do you th-think you’re doing?”

Taking the last step towards Izaya, Shizuo lifts a hand and uses it to firmly pull Izaya’s head against his collarbone. “I’m starting over.” For a moment Izaya freezes again, then his fingers tangle in Shizuo’s vest and he just lets his tears soak through the material of the blond’s clothes.

“All we ever were was obsession,” Shizuo murmurs, feeling the small tremors flow from Izaya into him like a lightning rod accepting bolts from above before delivering them into the ground. “I got tired of it Izaya. I didn’t hate you, but I couldn’t do anything but fight you.”

Izaya’s crying starts to lessen as Shizuo talks in his slow, soothing voice. His body melts into the blond’s hold instead of pushing against it. The trust in those movements is fragile, so precious. _Finally done acting the coward._

“The only way out was to close the book on what we already had and start something new.” His other arm wraps around Izaya’s back and tightens, smothering the remaining tears. “I needed a second chance. To do this the right way, to not make so many stupid mistakes, to just stop hiding from the truth.”

Leaning down, Shizuo murmurs, “I’m not going to chase you anymore Izaya, that game was only ever empty. Right now, I want to try again, but I can only do that if you stop running. So will you?”

And it’s like watching the reborn phoenix crawl up out of the ashes. Still so delicate, innately beautiful at the same time.

“Just please,” Izaya whispers, his voice muffled against the damp front of Shizuo’s vest. “Please don’t leave like that again.”

Shizuo doesn’t need to answer. His presence is answer enough.

Maybe there’s no fancy explanation or perfect soliloquy, but there’s a single crystallized moment in time where Izaya relaxes into Shizuo’s arms and Shizuo promises himself that this time, they’re going to do it right.

It’s never been hatred.

It’s only ever been the plea to start something new.

**Author's Note:**

> Q: Okay, so it wasn't fluffy... Come on, I did my best here people!  
> Ah, but I still love it...
> 
> Tousled_Sky: I love this too! The fluff and the angst and augh so good!  
> Thanks to everyone reading, and thanks to TeamAlphaQ for writing this story (that made me cry)! This is awesome <3


End file.
